Just Like We Promised
by dcent
Summary: You're still here with me. Just like you promised. And I'm still there, right beside you, just like I promised.


It was your funeral today. There were flowers everywhere. You would have wrinkled your nose at the sight and smell of them. You never did like the color pink.

There were pictures of you everywhere. It was like watching you grow up in front of me. There were pictures of you when you were a baby, a tiny little thing, crying or sleeping. There was one picture though, when you were asleep and you had a small smile on your face. You kept that smile, San. It was the one I fell in love with.

There were pictures when you were in elementary school, grade school pictures of you smiling widely, your two front teeth missing. You were so cute. Middle school, and you looked so awkward and funny, but still so beautiful to me. Then high school, in your Cheerios uniform, gorgeous as ever. A few of those pictures even had me in them.

I swear, we were inseparable.

There's one picture of us. It's not of our faces, but our backs. We have our Cheerios uniform on, and we're sitting down. You're leaning your head on my shoulder. I don't know who took that picture. Quinn, probably. That was the day you told me you loved me. Do you remember that, San? I do. I remember I went home and wrote it on my mirror. October 5th. I even wrote it on the little tag on my stuffed unicorn.

I kept walking around the table that all the pictures were on. There were pictures of you performing, your face scrunched up and your hand out as you sang. I think that picture was from when you sang Valerie. I can hear your voice in my head, San, like you're there, singing to me.

My heart hurts, and I'm crying again.

There's some more pictures, but now I'm in all of them too. They're from our wedding, San. We look so happy. You were so gorgeous in your wedding gown. I remember my jaw dropped when I saw you walk down the aisle. It was like seeing you for the first time all over again. I have to look away from the pictures, San. I don't think I could make it through the service if I keep remembering.

It doesn't matter though, really. Everything I see, every time I close my eyes, I see you. Like you're all around me. But you're not.

I sat through the service, all the way at the front with the rest of your family. Your parents were crying, but your grandma was crying the hardest. I don't think she ever forgave herself for not accepting you. She gave me a hug today, Santana. You would have smiled. She told me she loved me. Can you believe that, baby? I hugged her back even harder. I think I squished her a little, but I know how much you loved her. It felt like I was hugging a little piece of you. She cried even harder when I hugged her, and so did I. I told her I loved her too. You would have loved seeing that, San. Not me and her and crying, but us hugging. I know you'd been waiting forever for her to accept us.

All of our friends came, San. You were always so scared that none of them really liked you, but you were so wrong. They loved you. They even sang a song for you. They wanted me to join, but I don't think I could if I tried.

_Yesterday you were in front of me  
Woke up this morning,  
All of a sudden you're a memory  
Oh, if life is as short as they say it is,  
I guess we'll meet again sooner than we think we will_.

I started sobbing when they started singing, but I tried to be quiet so I didn't interrupt them. You would have liked it, San. Rachel let Quinn sing the lead. She knew how close you two were. Quinn's voice is so pretty and gentle. It would have made you smile.

_They say a picture says a thousand words  
But I would trade a thousand pictures to hear one of yours  
And I've been saying prayers like I was writing you letters  
'cause if heaven's far like I think it is  
You wouldn't get them_.

Kurt sang this part. You were secretly jealous of his voice. Remember when you told me that, San? I think his voice is really pretty, too. He made it sound almost like a lullaby.

_I know heaven must be beautiful right now,  
Since they got you, babe  
Since they got you, babe._

I sang along as best as I could when it got to this part. My voice was almost gone; it was deep and scratchy from crying so hard, but I tried as best as I could. For you, babe.

They brought the service outside for your burial. I could barely stand on my own. Quinn and Mercedes helped me. You would have frowned if you could see me like that. You always told me how much you loved my smile and my laugh.

When they lowered your body down, I lost it. I broke down on the ground, and just sobbed. I'm sorry I did that, baby. I know you hated seeing me cry. I sat there for a long time, even after everyone left. Quinn stayed with me, though.

Remember high school, San? When it was me, you and her? The Unholy Trinity? I miss those days, San. I miss you. So much.

Quinn held me for a while. I tried to imagine it was you holding me, but it's not the same. Somehow, your arms fit perfectly around me, and my body always fit so perfectly into yours. Quinn tried, but it's not the same, San. It'll never be the same. She was crying too. I barely noticed because I was sobbing so hard. I felt her tears on the side of my neck though. Do you remember when I used to kiss you there? You'd always get so fidgety. I knew that was your favorite spot. Then you'd pull away and kiss me. I licked my lips and closed my eyes and tried to remember what your lips felt like. I can still feel yours on mine.

Quinn stayed with me for a long, long time. It was pitch black outside by the time she tried to pull me off the ground. I didn't want to go, baby, I swear I didn't. I swore I'd stay beside you forever. Do you remember that, San? Do you remember when I said that in our marriage vows? I remember you teared up when I said that. You promised you'd stay beside me forever, too. I love you so much, San. I love you so much.

Quinn laid me down on the couch and slept next to me. I know she was really tired too. I couldn't sleep though. I kept thinking of you, of our room, and our bed. How empty it is. I keep playing with my ring. It feels so cold against my skin now. I can't stop crying, San. Every time I stop, something reminds me of you, and I start all over again.

I kept sobbing so hard that I woke up Quinn, and she sat up and held me again. She never said anything though. I don't think she knew what to say. I don't blame her. I'm actually kind of glad she didn't try to talk to me. I don't think I would have been able to answer her.

I must have fallen asleep, because I saw you, San. I saw you. You were leaning over me, and your long dark hair was tickling my face. "Baby," you said. Your brown eyes were watering. I reached for your face, but I couldn't touch you. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I woke up crying and screaming your name. Quinn was sitting in the chair next to the couch. She shot up and grabbed me, trying to comfort me. I don't think I can go to sleep anymore, San. I don't think I want to.

* * *

The next few days have been a blur. People keep coming over and telling me how sorry they are. I don't cry when they come over anymore, but they always do. Rachel was the worst, I think. And Puck. He loved you a lot, San.

I can't sleep. Your pillows still smell like you, like your hair – like vanilla and Santana. I clutch onto them so tightly at night. I try and pretend that it's you. I wear your grey t-shirt to bed. It smells like you. You wore it the night before you died. It's so soft. Your toothbrush is still beside mine in the holder. I don't think I'll move it. I don't think I'll move anything.

The house is so quiet without you. Sometimes I swear I can still hear you singing, and I run to the kitchen, hoping I'll see you standing at the stove, singing something in Spanish. I usually just end up balled up on the kitchen floor, crying. I keep having the same dream at night, San. Of you, your hair in my face and tears in your eyes. Why are you crying, baby? I can't ever touch you or talk to you, and whenever I wake up, I hurt more than when I went to sleep. I try and stay up, but I'm just so tired, San. Tired of crying and missing you.

Quinn keeps checking up on me. I know I look like a mess. But I don't care what I look like, San. I don't care. You were the only person I'd ever get dressed up for. And you thought I was beautiful in anything. I miss hearing you say that. I miss hearing you call me Britt-Britt. I miss hearing you tell me you love me.

I visit you every day, did you know that? I know you do. I know you can hear me. Some nights I tell myself I'll sleep next to you, but I'm still scared of the dark, San. I thought I got over it, but it was only because you were there. I never felt safer than when I was with you.

* * *

It's been almost a month, and Quinn still checks up on me. She makes me eat and stuff, but I haven't been hungry. Food tastes like nothing. I only eat because I'm too tired to argue with her. I think she's the only thing keeping me alive.

Everyone is slowly getting back to their lives, but I'm stuck, San. My whole world has stopped. How can I get back to my life when you _were_ my life?

Do you remember in high school, when you were so scared of loving me? You were scared that you could love me so much. I think that's why I loved you, because you loved me so much that it scared you. You never failed to tell me how much you loved me, though, and I never got tired of it.

There's a voicemail you left me on my phone from a while back. I listen to it over and over and over. Is that weird? It was when you were working late, and you told me not to stay up. You said I love you at the end. I'm glad I have that to listen to. Sometimes I'm scared I won't be able to remember your voice.

I've stopped having that dream. I've stopped having dreams all together. It's just black, now. And I think I'm okay with that. I say your name over and over. Sometimes it's out loud, sometimes it's in my head. Sometimes I scream your name until I lose my voice. I bet the neighbors think I'm crazy.

There's a bare patch next your grave from where I sit everyday. Do you hear me when I talk to you? Sometimes I sing to you. You always told me how much you loved my voice, even though it's nothing compared to yours. It hurts me to think that people won't hear you sing anymore. You were truly amazing, baby. The best.

I know you loved it when I danced. I wanna dance for you, baby, but I'm just so tired all the time. I'm sorry. My heart still hurts, San. I don't think it'll ever go away. I think I might have a heart attack. They're from loving too much, you know. But I don't think I could ever love you too much.

* * *

It's been almost a year, San. A whole year of living without you. If you can even call it living. I'm barely alive. When you died, you took half of me with you. The better half. I'll never be whole again, and I don't want to be. Do you remember when you came out to your grandma and you told her that everyday felt like a battle? I think I know what you're talking about now.

Your shirt and your pillows don't smell like you anymore, and that makes me cry. There's still half a bottle of your perfume left on the dresser. I smell it everyday, but I don't ever spray it because I don't want to waste it. I just take the cap off and smell it.

Quinn still checks in every now and again, but it's mostly just over the phone now. One day though, she moved your toothbrush. I cried, San. I cried so hard. She must have thought I was stupid. I'm sorry. I know how much you hate it when I call myself that. Something inside me snapped, though. She hugged me and told me she was sorry, but it wasn't about the toothbrush, San. It was about the fact that everyone was moving on, and they were expecting me to move on, too. But I don't think I can, San. I don't think I want to.

* * *

Today has been officially one year. There were flowers by your grave. Seeing them made me cry. They were so pretty, and none of them were pink. You would have liked them. I wanted to take them home, but I left them with you. Pretty things should be together.

I still cry everyday, but not as hard anymore. I had a dream last night, San. We were in our Cheerios uniform and your pinky was in mine. You kept sneaking peeks at me and I kept catching you. I woke up smiling. Can you believe that, baby? After all those nights of waking up crying or numb, I actually woke up smiling. I know you gave me that dream. It had to be you. I cried though, a little after I woke up. It scared me to feel a little happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy again, not without you. You would have frowned and furrowed your eyebrows at me for saying that, but it's true. You were my everything, Santana. You _are_ my everything.

The days don't go by as slowly anymore, and I actually get hungry again. I try and cook that rice that you always used to cook for me, but it's never the same. I still visit you everyday. I tell you about my day and I tell you stories, like when I first saw you, or that time I watched you sleep all night the first time we slept together. You were so beautiful when you slept, baby.

I only cried a little today. You would have been proud of me. I remember when I graduated, and you kept telling me how proud you were. It took me a little longer than everyone else, but you made me feel like I had just won a Nobel Prize or something. No one could ever make me feel that special. No one.

I've started dancing again, baby. And I don't cry everyday anymore. You'd be so happy. Whenever I dance, I can feel you watching me, and I imagine you smiling. It makes me smile. That's how I wanna live. To make you happy. I'm sorry I spent all that time being sad and crying. I know that would have made you so sad to see me like that. But you'd smile so big to see me now. I'm a little rusty, but I'm definitely a lot better now. I think it's because I'm dancing for you. You are the only person who ever deserved my best.

I still haven't moved anything around the house. I don't think I will. You liked it this way, so that's how I'm going to keep it. Sleeping is easier, too. Thank you for the dreams, baby. I love seeing you in them. You're never crying in them anymore, and I think that's because I'm not crying anymore.

* * *

It's been almost two years. You'd be so happy seeing me right now. A year ago, I thought I was gonna die from missing you so much, but I'm living again, San. It's nothing compared to life with you, but it's something. I know you'd hate it if I just gave up. I'm a dance teacher now during the day, and at night I dance on stage. I still catch myself searching for your face in the crowd. Remember when I told you I wanted to dance for you? Well, now I dance for you every single night. In my dance class, my students call me Mrs. Lopez. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm glad I took your last name.

I still visit you everyday. I'll never stop doing that. Never. I love you so much, baby, and I miss you so much. Everyday is still a struggle, but I can feel you with me again. Thank you for getting me up in the morning, baby, and for helping me get through the day, and for visiting me in my dreams. People think I'm getting over what happened, but it's really just because you're still here with me. Just like you promised. And I'm still there, right beside you, just like I promised.


End file.
